In pursuit of the little miracle...

It’s been almost 2 months since I blogged. It’s just that I wanted my next blog post to be about some miracle and sadly that’s not the case.

We did two cycles of clomid before my hubby's kidney stone surgery and both cycles didn't go too well. We then tried two cycles naturally as I was kind of ovulating and getting 33-35 days cycles but we did not end up pregnant though one of the cycles did have an ovulation from the right (the good side!). So my RE put me back to clomid and that would be clomid cycle #3. I did ovulate right on time (day 9 after last dose of clomid). I had an ultrasound on CD 14 just to find that there were two mature follicles and both on the left ovary!

This is the most unlucky I could ever get...!!! It’s just too 'weird' how things can turn against us so much! I was so disappointed after my ultrasound. The only thing that could get me going was the support my husband gave. He is amazing that way. I know..I very well know how disappointed he is with this whole thing but he never lets me down. I love him so much.

We didn’t give up and we did our best this cycle too and today I am on 11DPO with 3 more days to go. I do not have any symptoms yet except for the usual progesterone bloating etc etc. I really don’t know what to hope for in this cycle. I just want to get over these 3 days and move on (but I still hope for a miracle! I hope GOD listens!)

The RE's/Wizard's plan is to start me on Femara next cycle as he thinks Femara has lesser side effects than clomid. And he is going to put me on higher dose so that my right can also produce some eggs. It’s very hard to experience infertility....there is not one cycle where you don’t have hope however practical things may sound....I still hope...and I promise I will have my next blog post on 15DPO.

The 'gentlemen' in my life...

This morning I was with the two kindest men I have ever met in my life. One is my dear hubby and the other is my doctor. My doctor was very happy that I ovulated on my own last cycle on metformin+dexamethasone combination without the help of clomid. Though we did not get pregnant he was very happy to see my body returning to a normal cycle. He smiled and wished us luck as always and told us not to be discouraged by anything :)

There has been no great news so far on our 'making miracle' journey but the journey has not been as bad as I had thought it would be. In my last post I wrote about our unlucky #1 clomid cycle. We crossed our fingers tight and proceeded with a #2 clomid cycle just before we started kidney stone treatment for my hubby. #2 clomid cycle was overwhelming for all three of us. Three of us here means me, my hubby and our Dr.Wizard. Dr.Wizard put me on the highest clomid dosage (150mg) and he said 'this is going to be the cycle!' The high dose, the hyper responsive follicles, my hubby's upcoming treatment and our unknown future really started hitting us when it was the time to do the 'deed'. We just managed to BD twice that cycle and we were not sure if it was going to help. I got my period when we were too busy treating my hubby's kidney stones. We decided to skip November because we did not have a well laid out plan about my hubby's treatment and his recovery.

Later things turned out quite different. God was very kind to help my hubby recover quickly from his treatment of kidney stones. So we thought why not give it a try and we did!
I ovulated around CD19 and we gave it a shot every alternate day around that time. I had initially thought that last month was going to be a 'break month' for both of us but when things started to turn out well, my 'dreams' became 'hopes' and I really thought 'hopes' were turning into 'reality'.

Well...life is not that simple especially for us. My temperatures dropped two days back and I got a BFN. I thought I was going to be devastated as my hopes were so high and I was pretty sure that I was going to have a big heartache. It’s amazing how our mind and body feels each day. Every day is different. I thought I would wake up as the most disheartened soul on this planet but somehow my mind embraced the disappointment. The two weeks between our period and ovulation plays a big role here...that’s one good amount of time when we can recover and gear up!

My hubby dropped me off at work after my appointment for baseline testing with Dr. Wizard. I said bye to S and he smiled and said he loves me. I will never forget that priceless moment and that moment will help me get through the next 30-35 days :)

No more tears...

'Hope' was what we believed in and that helped us wade through the last two weeks. We lost 'hope' yesterday when I got my period. For some reason I did not break down or cry though I was very hopeful this cycle. I hate that moment when I had to tell my dear hubby about my period. I could make out from his eyes how much disappointed he was...I feel so bad that am not able to gift him the baby of our dreams :(

Today is CD2 and we visited our RE for the regular baseline testing. It was not just two of us who were hopeful this cycle, our Dr. Wizard was very hopeful too. I could see he was a little disappointed but he tried hard not to show it. He is one of the best doctors I have ever come across. He was a gentleman when he said not to get depressed about what happened and gave us few words of encouragement which meant a lot to us at that moment. The doctor is going to put me on Clomid from CD3 to CD7 which should help me ovulate more this cycle. The idea of giving Clomid is because he wants me to produce multiple eggs to increase chances of pregnancy as one of tubes is blocked. He told me I could use ovulation predictor kits to see when I ovulate and then have intercourse. He is trying not to stress us with more appointments this cycle. So we will not have a post coital test and ultrasound around the time I ovulate. We are left to fish in the dark.

The hardest part is that we are left with just this cycle for the next few months as S has to undergo a surgery for his kidney stone. The surgery is very essential based on his recent scans and reports so we cannot push it for another time. It would take at least 2-3 months for him to heal completely before we can start trying again....which initially sounded disappointing to us as we had just cleared up few things on my hormonal imbalances and were trying with a perfect hormone environment. But giving it a second thought we feel that postponing the kidney stone surgery will only cause more problems and we do not want to get into an emergency situation. So we decided to have the surgery in the first week of November. That gives us one last cycle (at least for the time being) to try....

I will be turning 29 this month. 30 does not sound too nice especially when it comes to fertility....I am trying not to get too stressed thinking about that.

Life goes on....another month, another cycle.....but no tears this time.