A letter to my Hubby...

Sweetheart,

I just wanted to let you know that I love you so much. Today could be one of the most disheartening days of our lives when the doctor told us to take the IUI/AI route this cycle. Not that its the most dreaded thing...its just that we always think about conceiving naturally (we even did so two years back) and now we need to go through this path. Things have taken a very different turn since March 2010 and the path has been so bumpy but I could sail through it and that’s only because of you. You never let me down though I know deep inside you are hurt as much as I am and even more. I just hope you are getting some strength from me in spite of my tearful ride back from the doctor's office. Your comforting words gives me so much strength...I couldn't ask for more dear. Life has been wonderful except for this small hiccup which drains away most of the happiness that we share. Nevertheless we still laugh about the most silliest things ever...we still talk about everything as if we never experienced any of these difficulties...and I think that’s what makes us the most special couple which every couple in this world yearns for. We will stride this path too with the same hope in our heart hand in hand. You really don't deserve such a bumpy road to our most cherished dream. I am so sorry for making things very tough for us.

We always have conversations about those supernatural people/aliens...I am not too sure if they are watching us now or even steering us to our dreams. But what I learnt today is that they were normal humans too except they did so many good deeds that made them superior than the majority and good deeds are nothing but how they think, act or help other people that would make them stand apart from the rest. We have some of those 'supernatural' people around us these days...it just depends on how quickly you identify them and I could identify a few...you, my dearest husband and our parents. You have always been there for me and I love you so much.

Wishing and praying to see a little one in your hands soon.

Love,

Your ever-loving wife

In pursuit of the little miracle...

It’s been almost 2 months since I blogged. It’s just that I wanted my next blog post to be about some miracle and sadly that’s not the case.

We did two cycles of clomid before my hubby's kidney stone surgery and both cycles didn't go too well. We then tried two cycles naturally as I was kind of ovulating and getting 33-35 days cycles but we did not end up pregnant though one of the cycles did have an ovulation from the right (the good side!). So my RE put me back to clomid and that would be clomid cycle #3. I did ovulate right on time (day 9 after last dose of clomid). I had an ultrasound on CD 14 just to find that there were two mature follicles and both on the left ovary!

This is the most unlucky I could ever get...!!! It’s just too 'weird' how things can turn against us so much! I was so disappointed after my ultrasound. The only thing that could get me going was the support my husband gave. He is amazing that way. I know..I very well know how disappointed he is with this whole thing but he never lets me down. I love him so much.

We didn’t give up and we did our best this cycle too and today I am on 11DPO with 3 more days to go. I do not have any symptoms yet except for the usual progesterone bloating etc etc. I really don’t know what to hope for in this cycle. I just want to get over these 3 days and move on (but I still hope for a miracle! I hope GOD listens!)

The RE's/Wizard's plan is to start me on Femara next cycle as he thinks Femara has lesser side effects than clomid. And he is going to put me on higher dose so that my right can also produce some eggs. It’s very hard to experience infertility....there is not one cycle where you don’t have hope however practical things may sound....I still hope...and I promise I will have my next blog post on 15DPO.

The 'gentlemen' in my life...

This morning I was with the two kindest men I have ever met in my life. One is my dear hubby and the other is my doctor. My doctor was very happy that I ovulated on my own last cycle on metformin+dexamethasone combination without the help of clomid. Though we did not get pregnant he was very happy to see my body returning to a normal cycle. He smiled and wished us luck as always and told us not to be discouraged by anything :)

There has been no great news so far on our 'making miracle' journey but the journey has not been as bad as I had thought it would be. In my last post I wrote about our unlucky #1 clomid cycle. We crossed our fingers tight and proceeded with a #2 clomid cycle just before we started kidney stone treatment for my hubby. #2 clomid cycle was overwhelming for all three of us. Three of us here means me, my hubby and our Dr.Wizard. Dr.Wizard put me on the highest clomid dosage (150mg) and he said 'this is going to be the cycle!' The high dose, the hyper responsive follicles, my hubby's upcoming treatment and our unknown future really started hitting us when it was the time to do the 'deed'. We just managed to BD twice that cycle and we were not sure if it was going to help. I got my period when we were too busy treating my hubby's kidney stones. We decided to skip November because we did not have a well laid out plan about my hubby's treatment and his recovery.

Later things turned out quite different. God was very kind to help my hubby recover quickly from his treatment of kidney stones. So we thought why not give it a try and we did!
I ovulated around CD19 and we gave it a shot every alternate day around that time. I had initially thought that last month was going to be a 'break month' for both of us but when things started to turn out well, my 'dreams' became 'hopes' and I really thought 'hopes' were turning into 'reality'.

Well...life is not that simple especially for us. My temperatures dropped two days back and I got a BFN. I thought I was going to be devastated as my hopes were so high and I was pretty sure that I was going to have a big heartache. It’s amazing how our mind and body feels each day. Every day is different. I thought I would wake up as the most disheartened soul on this planet but somehow my mind embraced the disappointment. The two weeks between our period and ovulation plays a big role here...that’s one good amount of time when we can recover and gear up!

My hubby dropped me off at work after my appointment for baseline testing with Dr. Wizard. I said bye to S and he smiled and said he loves me. I will never forget that priceless moment and that moment will help me get through the next 30-35 days :)